You hear your child sing the familiar refrain, "Mom, I'm hunnnngry." You know that tune. And it rubs you all the wrong ways.
Not because of their tone. And to be honest, it's not different whether it's the third time they've said it today or the 37th time. There's an irrational feeling that just bubbles up inside.
Now, when you dare mention it as a concern to someone else, you are met with "Ignore it," or better yet, "Just make sure you give them healthy foods."
As if you're not already doing all of it.
So why does your child's hunger worry you so much?
It's not what you think
Everyone thinks that hunger needs to be addressed. I mean, yeah, we all want to have satisfied bellies and feel better. But when we think it's all about bellies that need to be filled - or not filled anymore - we miss what's really going on.
You know this far too well
Your child's hunger reminds you of your own frustrations. You're exhausted and feel like you're just a vehicle for food in your home. You also are being repeatedly reminded of your own struggles. Perhaps you struggled growing up with food scarcity, growing up in a larger body, experiencing disordered eating and even now still longing to be the size you were back in your twenties. You want to help them avoid the struggles you've been through.
But here's the thing:
Every bit of guidance right now repeats the struggles you've been through: restriction, battles for control, self-doubt and having someone else tell you what your body needs.
As a pediatrician specializing in family relationships with food, body and especially each other, I've learned the hard way what really works:
1) When a parent feels a rush of panic, worry, frustration or overwhelm when their child says "I'm hunnnngry," slow down to first understand where the parent is coming from
👉 Your relationship with food and body impact how your child develops theirs. Helping parents understand what they've learned about themselves, their needs and their children goes miles and miles to help their children.
2) Not assuming what "I'm hunnngry" means for your child
👉 Get curious about what you and your child need. Are you simply really tired right now and everything seems bigger? What do you need? And what about your child? Don't question them, get curious about what else is going on. Do they need nourishment, a change of pace or scenery, to learn how to tolerate boredom, company, to be seen? What else?
3) Not jumping to conclusions for what this child, parent, family need
👉 You are raising kids in a culture that is so very food- and body-centered. Everyone thinks they have an answer because either they've been searching too, or they're trying to sell you something. The real opportunity with getting curious is to not jump to conclusions, but to keep exploring, gathering more info and approaching "I'm hunnngry" like a sleuth or scientist: what are the clues to what this really means, what you and your child need now, and start testing possible next steps (experiments!).
4) Focusing on building the relationships
👉 At the end of the day, diets, restriction, control don't 'give' you anything but have your brain think that less is better (BTW our brains reject this every single time. That's why willpower doesn't work long-term.) But relationships are what we foster, grow, develop and take with us.
What do you want to see more of?
When I ask parents what they want to see more of, the answer is always a variation of wanting to have happy, healthy kids and good relationships. Focusing on building relationships through curiosity, little experimentation and connection are the key to lifelong health at every age, every size.
Learn more about Dr. Wendy Schofer, MD and the Family in Focus® community of parents leading change without harm at www.WendySchoferMD.com.
Check out the Family in Focus with Wendy Schofer, MD Podcast!
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