Whose Voice is This? A parent's guide to challenging what we learned and choosing what we pass on
May 16, 2026
Most of us learned how to think about weight when we were very young. We learned it from our parents. They learned it from theirs. And many of us are now wondering what to do with all of that, especially when we look at our own kids.
This is for parents who want to do something different with what they were handed. It is not about blaming the people who came before us. It is about looking honestly at what we picked up, deciding what we want to keep, and choosing what to pass on.
What weight bias looks like in families
Weight bias is what we believe about bodies and weight. It usually feels like common sense. That is because everyone around us learned the same things.
What it might have looked like growing up
- A grandmother who praised a cousin for losing weight, at age 9.
- A pediatrician who weighed you in front of your parents and made a face.
- A swimsuit shopping trip where someone said, “she takes after her father’s side.”
- A parent who started a new diet every January and called it a fresh start.
- A coach or teacher who said “lay off the snacks” in front of the group.
What it can look like for kids today
- A 6-year-old who says he does not like how he looks.
- An 8-year-old who refuses to wear shorts.
- A kid who stops eating dessert in front of friends.
- A teen who skips lunch and calls it being busy.
- A child who learns to read the look on a parent’s face when they go for seconds.
Where we learned it
We learned these ideas in many places. From our parents and grandparents. From doctors’ offices. From schools, magazines, TV, and ads. From family dinners and holiday tables. The ideas are older than any one of us. It takes a whole generation to change them. A lot of parents are doing that work right now. You can be too.
How we challenge what we were taught
Changing what we were taught starts with looking at where it came from. We ask honest questions. We notice the voices in our heads. We see what is ours and what was handed to us.
This work can be uncomfortable. That is part of it. The discomfort is the change starting.
You do not have to do this all at once. Pick one question to think about today.
- When I worry about a kid’s body, whose voice am I hearing? Mine? My mother’s? The doctor who weighed me at 12 and said something I still remember?
- What did people say about my body when I was a kid? What of that do I still feel?
- When I picture my kid weighing less, what else looks different in the picture?
- The last time I commented on someone’s weight, what was I really feeling?
The reframe
They do not stay quiet. They show up in the activities you pick. They show up in the things you say at dinner. They show up in the look on your face when a swimsuit comes out. Kids notice all of it, even when our words are kind.
Parents who are changing this pattern start with one thing. They pick a different goal. The rest follows.
What to do this week
Pick one. You do not have to do all of them.
- Notice the voice. The next time you worry about a kid’s body, pause and ask whose voice you are hearing. Just notice.
- Switch the goal. Try “be at home in their body” instead of “lose weight,” and watch what changes about the food, the words, and the activities.
- Pick activities for fun and connection. Swimming, biking, playgrounds, sprinklers, hikes, scooters, kitchen dance parties.
- Name body comments out loud. When a body comment happens near your kid, say “we do not talk about bodies that way in our family.”
- Listen to your own body talk. The way you talk in the mirror becomes the way your kids talk to themselves.
Body size is a form of human difference. Every body gets to feel at home. Every body gets to be cared for, not fixed, not shamed, not reduced to a number.
We are changing the stories we have been told about our bodies.
Welcome to the movement of parents creating change without harm.
Want more support for your family?
Listen to the Family in Focus® with Wendy Schofer, MD podcast, or join the weekly newsletter for parents creating change at home.
Dr. Wendy Schofer, MD is a dual-board certified pediatrician and lifestyle physician, improv comedian, and trauma-informed parenting coach. As Founder of Family in Focus®, she is on a mission to help one million families strengthen relationships with food, body, and especially each other so home becomes a place where health feels easy, joyful, and connected. Finally, help without harm.
© Family in Focus®, LLC · www.WendySchoferMD.com
Check out the Family in Focus with Wendy Schofer, MD Podcast!
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