Parents Fighting Over Food? The Real Issue at Home

“I’m not sure if you can help.” A dad approached me this week at a community event for military veterans. He waited patiently as I spoke with others at my booth about supporting parents who are stressed about their children’s growth and eating habits. (His waiting told me that something important was on his mind.) 

He started with an apology: he wasn’t sure that this was the right time to talk with me, as his child is an 8 month old baby boy, joy of his life. He lit up as he described his son.

And Dad is concerned. Not about his baby’s growth, but about starting a garden.

You see, Dad wants to create a garden to grow fresh veggies, create salsas and ceviche. Mom doesn’t want it. She likes quick and easy, tacos and chicken nuggets.

There are fights in the home… over a garden that doesn’t even exist.

What would you do to address his concerns?

((Ask yourself: what is the disagreement really about?))

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Remember that Dad and I were at a community event and other parents heard the word “help” and were stopping to join in the conversation. You bet they sure did: 

"Oh, she doesn’t want to give up her patio? Here is a trellis garden you should get.
(Notice how the word patio never even came up! Seriously: this dude pulled out a phone, scrolled to the ‘net and pulled up a product and was pitching it on the spot.)"

"Oh, you should “meet in the middle” and sprinkle fresh grown cilantro on the tacos she wants."

"Yeah, make sure your child doesn’t get hooked on chicken nuggets."

"Oh, you don’t have to be worried about your baby’s weight at this point. The chicken nuggets are a rite of passage."

The voices from all around were overwhelming, everyone jockeying to offer their expertise. You know the drill: It was like asking any question on any Internet forum. 

I spoke directly to Dad, whose focus shifted from all the overwhelming noise to my voice:

“It sounds like growing a garden is important to you. Tell me more.”

He shared about his love of fresh food, making meals from scratch. He wanted to share these tastes and experiences with his son.

“So… I take it your wife sees things differently?”

Then he lit up: They were raised in very different ways. She grew up in the city, no gardens, and she’s really stressed right now. She doesn’t want Dad messing in the dirt when he could be helping her. 

“And you do.”

Not a question. I simply stated what he hadn't said.

He said, “You know, this is something I want. Something that doesn’t have to change what she does, give her any more work.”

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It’s not about the food.

It’s not about the weight.

And in this case, it's not actually about the garden.

It is most frequently about stress (emotions we feel like overwhelm, exhaustion, frustration, isolation) and focus. Dad and Mom had been arguing over a garden. But on further discussion, it became simply a situation where two people had different perspectives, different focus: Dad saw the possibility of a garden nourishing him and his family. Mom saw the stress of a garden as more on her plate, more taking her husband away from support that she needed.

The fights weren’t actually about the garden.

They were about relationships. Relationships with food and relationships in a marriage.

What happened during this conversation was activation of the first 2 steps that I use with every parent: 

1) Pause - slow down

2) Get curious, look for the deeper patterns

And a kicker: not telling people what to do. Shocker - and yet, this is where the real magic happens.

This is not the way that we’ve been practicing in our approach to food, family, relationships at home. But help is available. I walk parents through this process within Family in Focus so you can learn, grow, connect with what is most important to you.

I have an upcoming series called “Holiday Stress & Food Survival Kit” - get the crash course on stress relief and avoiding food fights before the holidays start. I walk you through the pause, the pattern-recognition and how to specifically create the healthy relationships you want to share with your family. Sign up: www.wendyschofermd.com/series

I’m so glad Dad stopped by - because it’s never too early, and it’s never too late - to start shifting focus to building the relationships with food, body, and family that we want more of in our homes.

And there may be some new gardens growing.

I’m on a mission to help 1 million parents relieve stress, strengthen relationships with food, body, and family, and design homes where health feels easy, joyful, and connected. Finally, help without harm. 

Learn more about working with me now: www.wendyschofermd.com 

While Wendy Schofer, MD, discusses health and wellness, this is not medical advice and she is not your physician. The Family in Focus® programs and products of Coach Wendy, MD LLC are not intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease, they are for education purposes only. Optimal health is achieved in combination with your physician, who collaborates with you for your individual health. Talk to your doctor about your medical concerns. And tell them about Family in Focus®. Mwah!