Why We Numb Instead of Heal: The Real Path to Feeling Better for Parents and Kids

In my 24+ years of medical practice — as a pediatrician, military general medical doc, lifestyle physician, and now a multi-certified parenting & family coach — I’ve learned that we’ve been asking the wrong questions. We’ve been stuck on “What’s broken? What needs to be fixed? How do we get to the root of the problem?”

But here’s the thing: those questions often keep us circling the surface. We miss the deeper, more powerful questions — the ones that reveal how we’re really living, coping, and connecting.

So let me ask you: When life gets overwhelming, what’s your go-to?
A pint of ice cream after the kids are finally asleep?
Scrolling your phone until your thumb cramps?
That extra drink at the end of a day that felt like three days stacked on top of each other?
Work longer, harder and get less sleep?

If you’re nodding along, you’re not alone. I’ve seen it as a pediatrician, as a doc treating sailors & Marines, and as a mom — the way both adults and kids reach for something to make us feel better in the moment.

For parents, it might be food, alcohol, or Netflix binges. For kids, it’s often snacks, screens, or both at the same time. (Ever noticed how “just a snack” becomes a race to the bottom of the Doritos bag, just like "just checking my email" becomes a 45-minute trouble-shooting event?)

The truth is, these are all just substances of comfort. Food, drink, electronics — they change how we feel temporarily. But they don’t get to the root of why we’re feeling bad in the first place.

Why We Do It

Stress in families is at an all-time high.
Parents are stretched thin — work, school schedules, activities, managing the never-ending to-do list and emails. Kids are feeling it too — academic pressure, social media comparisons, uncertainty about the future. 

Overstimulation isn't just for kids anymore. And while we are familiar with it in neurodiverse children, overstim (and overwhelm) are rampant for brains of all types and ages. Likewise, anxiety isn’t just an adult problem anymore. It’s showing up in younger and younger kids. And our struggles with coping are becoming their coping skills.

When we reach for a glass of wine after a stressful day, they learn, “This is how you quiet the stress.” When we disappear into our phones to “just check something” but actually avoid what’s bothering us, they learn avoidance is the move.

And when we feed them treats to stop the whining, we’re teaching them the same pattern we learned — “Something feels bad? Quick! Cover it up.”

Now hear me loud and clear: we do  need relief. We simply need to get to the heart of what is really going on and not just offer the Bandaid of comforting substances that bite us in the backside in the long run either through creating maladaptive patterns (think kids who will only eat when viewing a video on iPad, or need to have a full complement of snacks available before they head out of the house), metabolic concerns (highly processed food and beverage consumption), and running around to put out fires without ever taking the moment to care for your own needs.

The Real Way to Feel Better

Here’s the truth bomb: the real way to feel better is not to numb the feelings. It’s to pause long enough to understand them.

I’m not saying we sit in misery and stew — but we have to ask: What am I actually feeling? Why am I feeling this way?

It’s not the dirty dishes making you feel overwhelmed. It’s the belief that you have to do everything yourself.
It’s not the kid’s whining that makes you snap. It’s the belief you’re failing as a parent if they’re unhappy.

Our emotions and beliefs are the root system of our habits. You can chop the weeds (hey, yo, pantry cleanout interventions, Dry January, deleting Instagram) but they’ll grow back unless you get to the root.

What Holistic Change Looks Like

A holistic approach means we look at the whole picture:

• Your stress patterns

• Your family’s eating and activity habits

• How you handle emotions (and how your kids see you do it)

• The beliefs that keep you running in circles

It’s not about shaming yourself for using food, drink, or screens to cope. It’s about building new ways to process emotions, connect with your values, and create real solutions — for both you and your kids.

Ready to Feel Better for Real?

You can keep putting band-aids on stress. Or you can work with me to finally understand why you and your family reach for those comfort habits — and replace them with tools that actually heal.

Take the example of Tanya, who shared how she was so utterly exhausted as the parent of a 4 week old daughter. I dared ask the question without assuming the answer, "What's most stressful for you?" (Truth I didn't ask what's exhausting... but same diff here). Standing next to her husband, Marco, she shared how she has to do everything by herself. Breastfeeding (OK, we will agree that's a mom-job), changing diapers right away, burping, cleaning up, cleaning pump supplies, repeating again every 2 hours.

"Hold on, last I checked, putting baby to the breast is the only part of this that Marco can't do."

Through our conversation of truly getting to the root of Tanya's exhaustion, it was her fear of doing it wrong. She saw how she was much more agile with feeding, changing, taking care of their daughter.

I simply shared, "You know, you have a highly capable man standing right here with you, who needs a chance to learn by messing it up a few times."

We then got into the steps that took Tanya and Marco to truly connecting about how they wanted to parent and build a stronger relationship (through messy missteps and learning) along the way.

This is what I do every day with parents: untangle the roots, shift the beliefs, and create a calmer, healthier family life without guilt, shame, or “shoulds.”

If you’re ready to stop numbing and start truly feeling better — for yourself, your kids, and your future — let’s talk.

Click here to connect and start your Family in Focus® journey.